Life is not fair for anyone. Sometimes we work hard and cannot see the outcome. Other life factors can also get involved, and we suddenly find ourselves in the deep. It could also be that other people around us turn our lives into hell. Whatever the reasons is, we can experience a huge failure and have to downgrade our lives.
We can suddenly wake up in the morning and realize that what we were holding onto, and we thought that it gave meaning to us, we feel confident is all of a sudden is gone. And we may feel helpless. Then we do not want to get up, lose our life motivation, and mentally feel that life is over for us. But it continues. As we breathe, it goes on and on, and we need to shift our mindset mentally to adapt to our new lives. Failure just happened, and it is in the past now.
Depression is a reaction not to cope with stress and an inability to change a situation. It is a lack of energy, sadness and regret. Maybe we do not know what we want in life, maybe we are not happy with the environmental circumstances, or maybe we haven’t managed to process our childhood traumas properly, and this is creating a burden on our lives every day. There are many triggers outside, and maybe being exposed to them every day destroys our mental health, and we don’t know how to protect ourselves. They might have led to failure.
When there is a major setback, life is perceived as upside down, and there is no hope for the future. We are literally locked down in our dark minds. Life does not feel like progressing. We don’t have the psychological strength to move on; we probably failed and feel that we are a sort of fatal failure. However, we do need to move on because earth is still turning, we are still breathing. When there is life, there is hope. Even though then we feel that life does not progress, it moves on and on.
A major setback might influence our lives in a very dramatic way, however, maybe this is what we need in our lives. A major shake to wake us up from a deep sleep. As humans, we are programmed to live in an autopilot mode with fixed routines. Our lives need to turn upside down to discover our routines. Here is an article explaining the recovery process after a major setback. Here is an informative article about behavioral interventions after a major setback. Failure is harsh, but it is not the end of the world.
“Instead of resisting to changes, surrender. Let life be with you, not against you. If you think ‘My life will be upside down’ don’t worry. How do you know down is not better than upside?”― Shams Of Tabriz
You learn a lot after a major setback
Yesim Ceren Bozoglu talks about a major setback that she experienced in a TED talk. She explains that she perceived this as a big exam in her life. There she learned skills to survive, ask for help when needed, be more goal-oriented, and most importantly, discover her authentic side. She perceived it in a very optimistic way. In her talk, she also shares her learnings.
- It is never too late to repent, stop blaming people, learn to perceive things in an objective way, and accept your mistakes.
- Stay away from quick satisfactions that risk your life and happiness, the more you can say no to addictions, the stronger you are.
- Learn to control your emotions and practice regulating them.
- There is always a bright side when encountered with “no”.
You ask for help
Many people have issues with asking for help when necessary. They hesitate or avoid getting rejected. When there is a major setback, you need to ask for help, as Ceren Yesim Bozoglu did in her difficult time. We all live in a society as families, and we are there for each other. When this skill is developed, you will have a very comfortable life afterward.
Asking for help also requires trust, and we may have issues with trusting others. In those difficult times, it would be an obligation for us to trust other people. Then maybe our general confidence toward people would grow, and we would perceive the world a more safe place.
Your Self-Confidence Grows
A famous Turkish surgeon that I knew once told me once that when you are falling down, two things will save you, “Your confidence and your money.” You need to learn to trust yourself to move on, because that is the only thing that you have. During this time, you will not get a sufficient amount of appraisal from outside, and may be exposed to lots of criticism and pity. So think of it as an opportunity to grow your confidence. You will find creative ways to build your own trust and confidence. You are the only thing that you have in life.
You will learn to be happy from the basics
A client of mine was a very hardworking overachiever. However, she exaggerated hardworking at some point and she got a very serious burnout. She had to quit her work and got very depressed because her lifestyle changed all of a sudden. She could not work anymore and felt totally useless. This put her into depression and influenced her relationships. Life changed %100 for her and could not continue her job. She told me that everything is burdensome for her, social environments, people, daily tasks. She had to live in this mode for 2 years and in the end she told that she forgot getting pleasure from basic things. Nowadays, she is slowly getting back to life and started to feel emotions gradually. She told that for a very long time that she did not feel pleasure and even small things. Currently, drinking coffee in the balcony or being able to concentrate on reading a book is a very big thing for her. Maybe to appreciate what we have, the ideal is to feel the worst for a while and then gain the experience to compare. This will develop our skill to be more tuned for happiness.
Failure may bring freedom
Success is sweet and would make us very proud. However, many responsibilities come afterward. Maybe the new position would have been very stressful and this is not something for you. Sometimes not having is the best, this will help you find your own direction.
When you failed on something, instead of getting into “looser” mode, think about why doing this is not good for you. Now you have great freedom to choose your future direction. Kill your ego, if they don’t like you it’s more than ok. Focus on yourself, not their opinion. When you learn to think in that way, you will mentally free yourself from unnecessary obligations that the society puts to you.
To Conclude
Failure is horrible, particularly when we are living with lots of societal pressure. But such a challenge could also strengthen us in various ways. Life is a trial-and-error place. With every error, we discover something else and improve our skills. As Henry Ford said, “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” We all live somewhere, however, real life can deviate from what we have on our heads and how we perceive it. We can perceive obstacles as stepping stones to push us to the next level or as a negative, hopeless nightmare. Then everywhere would be hell. There can also be a bright side to the negatives, better to focus on the shiny bright side instead of the dark deep hole that pushes us into a negative spiral.
